Let’s face it. We all have days when nothing seems to go right. When a series of unfortunate events is the theme of the day or week or even sometimes longer. Understandably, during these times, we may completely miss anything positive that happens alongside the difficulties. It’s easy for humans to go straight to all-or-nothing thinking that leads to the thought, “This is a bad day.” But what would happen if you looked for the exceptions? Was there anything that occurred during a difficult day that was helpful, beautiful, peaceful, pleasant, or better than last?
When we have difficult circumstances, complex thoughts and feelings often result. Living with chronic conditions, complicated relationships, financial difficulties, and a host of other problems that seem to have no solutions can lead to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and depression. It can feel impossible to have hope or feel encouraged while you or a loved one continues to struggle with physical pain, cognitive challenges, and problems for which there is no end in sight. All-or-nothing thinking (the perspective that a situation is all bad or all good with no in-between) or Always/Never thinking (the perspective that circumstances always happen or never happen to you) most often leads to difficult, unhelpful feelings. Rather than helping an individual to strive to find a way out, these types of negative thoughts may lead to feeling stuck or wanting to give up.
Finding exceptions is a solution-focused approach that helps individuals avoid self-defeating thoughts. When the phrase “this always happens to me” enters your mind, find an exception instead. When was there a time, even if it was only once, that an unpleasant circumstance did not happen? Or is there another similar situation where you didn’t experience the usual stress level when it happened? Perhaps if you find yourself thinking, “Everything is going wrong! What a bad day!” you might ask yourself what did go the way you hoped it would. Is there something about this day that was helpful? Pleasant? Not a struggle?
This isn’t to say that difficult days and circumstances won’t be filled with complex feelings or that these feelings aren’t just a part of the experience. However, we don’t want to stay stuck without noticing the exceptions around us. Finding them may not be easy at times, but if we intentionally look for them, we will find them.
Joy Koeppen, LCSW, CBIS,
BIS Counseling Manager
