It’s the time of year when holidays are just weeks away. While many are excitedly anticipating reuniting with loved ones at family gatherings and celebrations, others may dread those gatherings and anticipate the emotional, cognitive, and physical challenges accompanying such reunions. One way to prepare yourself for the often-stressful season ahead includes setting boundaries that help with managing expectations of others and expectations of self.
Setting boundaries is a way to put self-care into action by helping us pace ourselves, prevent unwanted emotional reactions, and enable ourselves to enjoy interactions with others as we consider what helps us bring our best selves to social gatherings and activities. How do we set boundaries while respecting ourselves and others at the same time? Below are some ideas adapted from a Calm blog post (https://www.calm.com/blog/9-tips-for-setting-healthy-boundaries):
- Tune in: Notice your body’s physical reaction, such as jaw tightening, fidgeting, racing heart, fatigue, etc.
- Understand your priorities: Make sure when you say “yes” to someone you aren’t saying “no” to yourself
- Communicate with clarity: Use I Statements and be specific when saying “no”
- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable: defining boundaries can be an adjustment and uncomfortable
- Take space: if caught off guard when boundaries are being violated, give yourself time and space to respond
- Boundaries can be flexible: they may change depending on the person, timing, or situation
- Be prepared: others might not understand even when boundaries are set gently and with kindness
- Create consequences: know ahead of time what you will do if boundaries are violated
- Respect other people’s boundaries: notice cues from others regarding their boundaries, such as averted eyes, stepping back, etc. If you aren’t sure of their boundaries, you may want to ask. For example, you may ask, “Do you mind if I give you a hug?” or “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” If they say “no,” respect that.
If you find setting boundaries difficult, don’t try to figure it out alone. Find a trusted friend, relative, or professional who can support you. Below are some of the benefits of setting healthy boundaries:
- * More effective interactions with others
- * Confidence about how to say no and feel comfortable doing so
- * Setting limits with love and compassion for others
- * Can be responsible without feeling responsible for others
- * Feel safe and secure.
Joy Koeppen, LCSW, CBIS
Manager, BIS Mental Health Counseling Department
